Continuing Readers: Please, page down past the brief introduction.
New Readers: If you missed a previous part, you’ll find it elsewhere on this site or at NewsLaugh.com in The Spoof of the Week. Here’s the brief introduction to these remarkable notes, repeated for your convenience.
An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:
“Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.
“I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you.
“I sent them by Multi-Verse Mail to all the planets projected to have life on them that could read. As far as the earth goes, I addressed it to NewsLugh.com. I figured it would exist about the time the news would come in especially handy. Why a humor magazine? Hey, I think I’m a bit of humorist myself.
“Sorry, but I have to be a little vague about the participants in the meeting, because they’re all very high up the totem pole of the universe and like to keep out of the spotlight. But I assure you that my notes are accurate.
“I thought I’d start with the invention of sex, since that seems to be the foundation of a lot of things. This particular invention was a tough one because we weren’t sure how to make it work.
“For instance, some of the participants wanted direct physical contact. Others thought the male could mail his sperm to the female, and she could deposit it in an egg bank.
“Direct contact between the two, though it seemed like a daring idea at first, won on its overall merits.
“Then the question became, should it feel good or not? I’m happy to say that feeling good won by a unanimous vote. After all, we want you to like us.
“Looking back, I think we made the right decisions, not only about sex, but about everything. And, speaking of everything, you’ll find how it was invented in my notes, too, or, at least, the highlights, like land and water, air, light, people, other animals, plants, and details like gravity and magnetism.
“I hope my doodles help you understand why things are the way they are and appreciate our handiwork. Nothing would make me happier.
“In conclusion, I just want you to know we did our best, and I sure hope you like us for what we decided.”
The Invention of Water
Part Three of The Invention of Everything;
An Eyewitness Account
Now that we had invented land, everybody wondered, what could be missing? The day before, there was some talk about an idea called water. Today, we were scheduled to work on it. As usual, the big boss kicked things off.
“OK, it’s time to dive into water. Any thoughts?”
“I’m concerned.”
“Why?”
“Well, we just invented land. Why cover it up?”
“I have another take on the issue.”
“What?”
“It might be kind of neat to balance things out. Land here, water there.”
“That jives with the way we’re thinking about H2O.”
“H2O? Never heard of it. ”
“Sorry. We’re making water out of two of the atomic gizmos Helen invented and one that Oscar came up with. Basic, but the combination works.”
“OK. Go on.”
“Well, he said ‘Land here, water there.’ We’re thinking land is dry, so maybe water is wet.”
“Sounds right.”
“Then I think the question becomes, how much water are we talking about?”
“You mean – “
“– I can go with the concept, just not all over the place.”
“Wisely said. Make a note of that. Water in moderation.”
“Sure, boss.”
“What else?”
“I want to know exactly where it goes – on top of the land, under it, inside of it, or above it?”
“We’re thinking it would mostly go on top. But it could actually go anywhere.”
“Then what’s left for land?”
“I don’t think you’re seeing the whole picture. You see, the water is different.”
“How so?”
“It won’t just sit there like land. It will move around.”
“Oh, that’s interesting. Can you provide some detail?”
“We have a concept called “flow,” as in ‘go with the flow.’”
“Go where?”
“Mostly, downhill.”
“How does that work?”
“We plan to make it relatively heavy. So the flow will go to where the land is low. See how it all ties together?”
“Oh, flow, go, low. Got it! So the land is still everywhere that’s high?”
“Generally speaking, yes.”
“Except?”
“We’re working on a way to get it to places where it can’t just flow.”
“What for?”
“Let’s say the land is just sitting there. It’s dry. Now, remember when I said the atoms and molecules would combine in different ways?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, we need a way to move things along, and we thought maybe the water could facilitate that.”
“You mean like social grease?”
“Exactly. The water becomes the social grease. And we wouldn’t want to deprive land that just happens to be high of all the interesting possibilities, right?”
“Seems fair. So how do we get it up there?”
“We have an idea with the working name of ‘uporation.’”
“I think you might want to work on that terminology. It’s a little clunky.”
“Mark it for evaluation.”
“Sure. ‘Eva –‘ What if we just tab it as ‘evaporation’?”
“Done deal.”
“Include that for short we call it ‘rain.’”
“I don’t now how you get from ‘uporation’ to ‘rain.’ It seems like a bit of a stretch.”
“Not really. First the water ‘uporates.’ Excuse me, ‘evaporates.’ Then it rains back down.”
“Like a cycle.”
“Sure. Land high, water low. Question: how do you get water up? Answer: itty-bitty amounts of H2O float up. Get it? That’s why we made the structure so simple.”
“You guys in tech are really on it.”
“Thanks.”
“So go on.”
“Now what happens is, it can drift here, there, and everywhere, and then, at some point, it falls back down.”
“On the land where it’s high?”
“Right. But actually on any land or even on water that happens to be under it. Down it comes. Whoosh!”
“And everything under it gets a fresh supply of social grease?”
“You got it.”
“Like it. Do you have in mind any other function besides social grease?”
“Oh, sure. But no need to go into that now, except I might mention a nifty detail.”
“What’s that?”
“When the land is out of place, say, on your hands, because you’ve been working with it.”
“Yeah?”
“And it’s time to eat, so you want it off of there.”
“You don’t eat land?”
“Not in its basic form. I’ll cover that in time. Let’s stay with land on your hands.”
“OK. What do you do?”
“You employ the flow to move it off.”
“Hey, neat.”
“What about water? Do you eat it?”
“Yes, but we call that by a different name.”
“Why?”
“You don’t chew it. It flows down into you.”
“I see. What are you calling that process?”
“’Downing,’ as in, ‘I think I’ll down a glass of water.’”
“Think about that. The whole idea of ‘down’ strikes me as kind of a bummer, especially for the long-term.”
“Sure.”
“I have an easy fix. Why not combine ‘downing’ with what he just said?”
“In what way?”
“You said ‘downing,’ he said, ‘think,’ so how about ‘dinking?’”
“I’m not sure that’s spot on. But play around with it and get back to us.”
“You got it.”
“Any other thoughts on water?”
“Well, as long as it’s there, shouldn’t there be something in it?”
“I’m glad you asked that. We’ve already got some prototypes.”
“Like what?”
“Depends on how long the water and the land have been mixing things up.”
“They don’t do that from the get-go?”
“How can they? The water can’t arrive until after what you sometimes still derogate as dust agglomerates into planets.”
“That’s understandable. But then where does it come from?”
“Good question. We figure we’ll add it with these traveling objects we’re calling comets.”
“They lug the water around? How do they do that without it flying off? Are there compartments?”
“Not necessary. We plan for the comets to spend most of their time where the temps are quite cold, so the water freezes and locks onto whatever land the comet is made of.”
“Cool. And?”
“Well, as you know, all the items in the really big thing we’re inventing are moving in three directions at once – spinning, circling, or heading out, sometimes maybe in. So, statistically speaking, they’re bound to intersect from time to time.”
“So the comet smacks into the agglomeration?”
“Not only that. The impact generates heat. The ice melts. And voila! We have land and water.”
“Sounds perfectly natural to me.”
“Thanks. I take that as a compliment. But now here’s where everything comes together.”
“In what sense?”
“Now that the social grease is in place, the atoms and the molecules start to get together. The more they socialize, the more they make.”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute. Tell me exactly how they make things besides themselves.”
“No problem. They’re loaded with energy. Remember energy?”
“Yeah.”
“OK, and what is energy?”
“You tell me.”
“What else? The most basic kind of what we decided to call life.”
“It is?”
“Sure. What do you think life is, the absence of energy?”
“OK. I can go with that. So we have all these things – land, water –”
“– atoms, molecules – all loaded with energy. And they’re – “
“– all set to combine into more complex forms of life.”
“Depending on?”
“The conditions they find themselves in. Remember when I told you we programmed them so they could be perfectly responsive to whatever environment they get together in.”
“Right. So? “
“We’ve got the ideal deal – land, water, a mixture – “
“– And the result is?”
“The right mix.”
“Wow, I like that.”
“Brilliant. You guys in tech are just awesome.”
“Thanks. Let’s just hope whatever results from all this appreciates what we put into it.”
“How can they not, I mean, to the extent they can?”
“Well put.”
“Can you provide any specifics about what combos might result?”
“There are just a tremendous number of possibilities.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“Can you give us some for instances?”
“A couple of basics, more as our thinking evolves. We figure, given the size of the agglomerations we plan to include, or, as we decided to call them, planets, whatever develops would have plenty of room for feet.”
“On land?”
“Right.”
“What about in the water?”
“Remember it’s heavy. So walking would be tough.”
“Got a way around that?”
“We’re looking into a prototype that gets around without feet.”
“That’s interesting. What are you thinking?”
“Something we’re calling swimming.”
“’Swimming’?”
“Yeah. It’s this really sleek thing that can slip through the water by kind of wiggling from side to side, pushing water this way and that, which in turn pushes it forward.”
“Seems like an appropriate accommodation.”
“So nothing in the water walks?”
“I wouldn’t say that. Don’t forget. Way at the bottom of the water there’s land. Some things could walk on that, especially if they’re smaller, so they wouldn’t have to move much water out of the way as they go along.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you’re intimating that we could have creatures all over the place? Land, water, wherever. ”
“Well, everywhere that can support something. That’s the way the atoms and molecules are set up. They have this great urge to combine. Give them a chance and, blam, they snap together and make something that fits into whatever the livable niche is.”
“Can I just ask a detail? You know I’m a visual type.”
“Sure.”
“What color is the water?”
“We haven’t addressed that yet.”
“Any thoughts?”
“So far it’s just clear.”
“You can see right through it?”
“Pretty much.”
“Anybody have any suggestions?”
“I have a no-brainer.”
“What’s that?”
“When it moves a lot of land around, it could take on the color of whatever land it’s moving around.”
“Good match of form and function. Any other ideas before we wrap things up?”
“Let me just say, even though it’s actually clear, it could reflect things.”
“You mean, whatever happens to be above it?”
“I thought the only thing higher than land and water is rain?”
“Well, evaporation does need a place to go up into and then rain down from.”
“Oh, right. Any thoughts?”
“Some preliminary stuff. We call it, for short, the sky.”
“Seems like a fundamental part of the mix. May I suggest we make that the subject of our next meeting?”
“Then we’re done with water?”
“At least, for the nonce.”
“Good work. Mark the agenda. Tomorrow, we delve into the sky.”
“Already done, boss.”
So now we had a pretty good grip on land and water. An amazing duo, if you ask me. Now, I was looking forward to inventing sky. After all that went into land and water, it seemed like a pretty transparent task. But you never know. Sometimes projects that seem easy as sky turn out to be anything but.
Tom Attea, humorist and creator of