My senses stirred…
A ship was nearby. Not a big ship, really… one of those planet-hopper thingies, barely capable of reaching the outer rim of a star system before running out of dilithium or burning up the core, or both.
My attention concentrated upon it… how could such a measly ill-conceived little trap have reached my personal cubic parsec of space? Six billion light years from the nearest inhabitable clump of dirt called “planet” by the latest running fad? I often ran across hunks of spaceships, dead skeletons of star freighters drifting through space.
This one was different.
This one had life in it. Very active life indeed, I found out as soon as I had materialized myself upon the ship’s bridge, inconspicuously disguised as a pinkish data pad.
“Approximate distance from starting point: 135.520.000.000 light years” one life-form said with an excited voice, and another one immediately added: “Nonspace jump duration: 53,9 seconds” Small alarmed lights flashed on the data pad as my mind’s eyes boggled. “Did that thing just say ‘nonspace’ ???” is what appeared briefly on my touch screen
The concept of space being a three-dimensional surface, which can be “curved” into the fourth dimension is the basis of all hyperspatial travel, and, of course, complete nonsense.
Any hyperdimensional entity, such as I am, knows that space’s ability to be warped by gravitational fields and by the g-wave distortions created by a matter-antimatter core is just an illusion. Space is an illusion.
Any physical rules that appear to move a massive ship from one end of a galaxy to the other are just there to keep the ship together and to make things simple and predictable for the brainless prats that drive those things. Reality is immensely more complicated. All inferior beings live in a blessed “preschool mode” to preserve their mental sanity.
“Gannenn, give me the status of our fractal turbines” said one of the life-forms in its communicator.
“Temperature is within normal parameters captain, nonspace engine core recharging” came the answer.
Somehow these primitives had discovered the principles of instantaneous travel. I shuddered, it was like watching a Brellian bozo-chimp playing around with the controls of a massive planetary destruction device. Knowing how to temporarily nullify reality and trick it into thinking you are not there, but actually somewhere entirely different, also meant you could nullify reality, period. Kaputt.
These imbeciles were playing with fire. I had to do something.
The words “URGENT, ENGINEERING!” flashed on my screen, someone noticed it, grabbed me and took me to the small ship’s heart.
I was going to destroy them and the ship, but first I needed to find out how they had built the thing, and what planet they came from.
That was going to be my next target.
“Mr. Gannenn, info for engineering, sir.”
“Give it here, ensign Ronid”
I scanned the room, a massive modified core stood in its center. Computer banks lined the walls, probably needed to perform the monstrous amount of calculus needed to put reality to sleep. I tried to fathom what race they were from, what planet, from the build of their components. I couldn’t concentrate enough… someone was repeatedly punching my pad and shaking me.
“Ensign, this data pad appears to be malfunctioning, all I see is a blank scree.. HUH?!” is what he said when I typed the words “QUIT SHAKING ME LIKE THAT, YOU MORON!”.
The chief engineer dropped me, data-pad, to the ground, the pad turned a double flip and landed on its feet, my feet.
I stood and faced the two unevolved clods.
“Who!?.. what!?!…” stuttered Gannenn
“Where, why and when, I suppose, and wherefore too” I added helpfully.
They both looked me over several times. I wasn’t sure whether it was for my being a former data pad, or because I was clad as a lumberjack. “Stand aside, please, got some work to do you know” I said cheerfully while spitting on my hands and dragging my hefty axe towards the biggest computer bank.
“Wait! You can’t” said the ensign as I lifted the axe…
“Security, I need help” barked the engineer. “you sure do need help!” I said, preparing for the swing…
“You wouldn’t hit a lady with that, now would you?” said a female voice.
I froze.
“Vel?”
“Yup”
The computer bank I was aiming at shimmered, seemed to melt and then re-solidify, and finally condensed into a familiar shape.
A smart expression of understanding and a wink of recognition both failed to reach my face as I stood, gaping like an idiot. Security barged in through the door, together with the ship’s captain. They looked, stopped and gaped, just like me.
Beauty is a subjective thing, what a three-eyed Joohaha finds very attractive might put a Knausian Leech off its meal. Arguably, a Knausian Leech’s meal will be considered absolutely revolting by basically any other living thing, including the British.
Velvetus, Lady of the Stars, managed to look breathtakingly beautiful to you no matter what gender, race, phylum or class you belonged to.
“Did you really think these beings had discovered the way to nullify space?” the Lady asked.
“I, uh they..” I stammered
“They were onto something” she went on ” but that was about two hundred years ago. I went back there and sent them totally off track. The original and correct project is now lost forever. They have been brainstorming on a fake, I made them think it worked”
“So the engine core…” I ventured.
“Couldn’t push a pram downhill” the Lady nodded while smiling at something behind me.
I turned and looked.
The effect our conversation was having on the ship’s crew was hilarious. Gannenn, the engineer, was sitting on the floor, the captain was pale, staring, and his lower lip trembled. The entire bunch was aghast.
“Well, it was for your own good, you know” was my useless attempt to cheer them up. “We couldn’t let you play with that sort of stuff. Stick to hyperspace.”
“We’re billions of light years from home, on an interplanetary shuttle with no engines, and he tells us it’s for our own good” spat the security officer, bitterly.
The captain started sobbing.
I turned to Vel, she nodded and snapped her fingers. The small ship disappeared and went back home.
“Were you really going to destroy them and their home planet?” Vel asked as we fluttered back towards the Continuum.
“That was my intention, but I couldn’t make out what race they were, nor where they were from” I replied.
“What? can’t you recognize a human when you see one?” the Lady laughed, amazed.
I shrugged. “Of course not, these inferior beings all look alike to me!”
Ian Lahey has the Italian equivalent of an MA in Language and Literature, he is currently living in Italy where he runs a small English language school and a second business for his other great love: computers and multimedia. He can be reached at mailto:ian@activeonline.it ian@activeonline.it